Think Positive and Gratitude

I figured the "real" papers would show up within a day or two. They showed up today.

I had told myself, if they come, at least I have a plan. My boss and I came up with another plan, and she also found out the amount I will be responsible for is not $800, but $366. Still a lot of money and it kind of freaks me out, but I will only have to pay this amount for 15 more months and then I can have it removed.

Even though I had a plan, just the thought of it all, I started getting upset again, and was in tears again at work. I took some Rescue Remedy twice today.

I had decided to make my appointment for my glasses, even though they will have to go on the credit card, with everything else (including the $366 month). [Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. Dh and ds2 have been working pretty steadily, maybe I should just figure they will continue to do so, and we will get out of debt here soon and that money will be paid for easily. It's just hard to think that way, when I've spent most of my life being the breadwinner and in fact as a child, swore on a daily basis to myself that I would NEVER let a man support me. My stepfather was a horrible, hateful man and worked three jobs to support our family of nine. He used to come home and gripe and complain that he worked three jobs to support us and no one loved him. Well, he was so hateful and mean, it wasn't too hard to just straight out despise and hate him, let alone try to conjure up *love* toward him.]

I called my regular optometrist, the co-pay of which is $40 per visit. I paid over $176 for my last pair of single vision glasses two years ago and that was with the insurance paying a portion. They want to do another field vision test [insurance padding, I swear! Especially since the optometrist today said my eyes are healthy.] Since they have to do another vision field test, they cannot see me until mid-August. I explained that I can hardly see through my lenses they are so fogged and the dingbat just made some "oh that's too bad" sounds. I asked her if I couldn't just get in for a regular exam sooner, since it is difficult [and maybe harmful to my vision!?] to see and she just poo-pooed that and said they had to do the whole test or nothing. SCREAM!!

So I decided to give Costco my money.

Costco charges $49 for the optometrist appointment. My frames were $89.99, the lenses were $125 which includes magnetics sunglasses, UV protection, glare something or other and scratch protection. I whined about my current "fogged" glasses and the eyeglasses guy said they have some cleaner you can buy that costs $5.50 with forever free refills that is very gentle and I shouldn't have this problem again. I told him I've worn glasses for almost 30 years and this is the first time I've had the problem. I tell you, too many things break down and don't work. I sometimes wonder if they do this on purpose!!

One of my coworkers paid over $500 for her progressive lens glasses with magnetic sunglasses -- this is through our agency's insurance company. So I think I got off good.

I returned a large jar of artichoke hearts to Costco, which had many tough leaves and stringy sections that could not be chewed. They were so nice when I explained the problem. I didn't have my receipt and they could care less. Ds2 loves Costco, and I'm beginning to be persuaded.

So I was bummed on the way home. Money problems always get me down. I told myself I should list the things I'm grateful for. I came up with a few... hard when you are kind of bummed out. I'm grateful for:

• our personal supply of the white gold (raw milk)
• the air conditioning in my vehicle
• that my vehicle gets me comfortably to and from
• that I have vision to even need to buy glasses
• that I'm relatively healthy (our janitor and her baby seem to be sick constantly)
• that I can walk

That's pretty good for a start.

I'm getting sick of my own whining here. I'm just not a very happy camper lately. I was reading a website of a person that is doing all the things I wish we could do, growing animals on pasture, chickens, cows, etc., and they always sound so happy and thrilled with the farm life. It's not that I hate this life, I'm just so tired all the time, it's hard to have any enthusiasm for anything.

I'm treating three of our does with an herbal wormer, hoping to see their condition improve. One is slender, the other two are very skinny. I posted on a list I'm on what I'm doing, and I got a bunch of suggestions from one lady to chemically worm with two or three different "poisons" within a month's time (this happens to be a "natural" type goat list). GEEZ. I plan to drink the milk, lady!! Some wormers have a SIXTY DAY withdrawal period.

Anyway, that sort of thing gets me down sometimes.

I promised myself when I started this blog, that I would be honest and true to myself. I feel guilty about being so cranky so much of the time. I feel apologetic. I apologized to my boss this morning for getting SOOOO upset yesterday. Poor thing. When the real papers arrived today, she told me she told the executive director she'd rather slit her throat than tell me they arrived. I hate that I was so upset, because it made her feel miserable. But this is part of that "I have to be perfect for everyone" syndrome. I'm a grump, I'm tired. I can complain all I want. It's like those letters I used to write to friends, and they would fall asleep reading them. That's what my blog is for. I can write freely, and I'm not going to worry about what anyone thinks [okay, please don't hate me]. :-/

Until next time.